BECAUSE OF HER.....

       

           She is not old enough or big enough to protect herself from harm. That job is mine for now, & as her mother, I am responsible for the decisions made that may or may not effect her young life.  I am the SOLE provider of a “safe haven” that will ultimately shape the woman she becomes. It is BECAUSE of her existence that I NOW understand this simple math!

       She doesn't quite understand the magnitude of pain I carry for myself or for my little family. However, I know she feels it probably just as deeply as I do. That's the thing about domestic violence & abuse. It creates a ripple where EVERYONE close to it experiences some form of pain.  Even the babies. She can't explain it to me, even though she is simply carefree, & seemingly, unaffected by the world around her.

        

          I know it won't always be this way. the pain will eventually subside, but I try and preserve as much of her innocence as I can. Although all of my children give me peace, SHE is the strength I found to stop craving a man that I knew was no good for me. SHE is the reason I did what I felt was right in leaving her father. SHE is what made me say enough is enough!  Knowing that I NEVER wanted for her to go through the things I was experiencing is what kept me. Her peace, ultimately, became my destination.

             I tried to make excuses and forgive him for the disrespect & the abuse, but my tank ran empty when I made up my mind that I deserve better & so do my babies❤! In those moments, I realized that after removing him from my life, she went from pulling out her hair and scratching her delicate skin incessantly, to simply enjoying her brothers & being a little girl She even stopped having constant eczema flares! 

     

          In these months that followed, I watched her blossom; & smile; & grow; & learn❤. I now understand that what she DOES recognize is my sadness. She DOES understand pain, even if she can't yet verbalize it.  She DOES know when things don't  feel right. I get to see her happiness & joy & most of all, she will get to see me happy again. Without convoluted thoughts & chaos surrounding our lives......❤

      

       I love these hugs; crave them even! These moments when she reminds me of how important I am to my children. The part that shows me how life would've been without them or them without me. They love me. Truly! Even when I'm not feeling or acting my absolute best; when it seems like I'm falling apart; they help me hold things together & they forgive me for not being perfect. Unequivocally, unconditionally & irrevocably.....LOVE ❤