THAT'S STRONG.....

One of the most important things that life has taught me is that I cannot outrun my problems. I have to tackle them HEAD ON (pun intended)!

I can't drink them away. 

I can't smoke them away. 

I can't gamble them away. 

I can't make other people feel bad them away. 

I can't hide them away. 

I can't prescription pill them away. 

I can't kill myself them away. 

I can't cry them away. 

I can't eat them away. 

I can't isolate myself them away. 

I can't sex them away. 

I can't deny them away. 

I can't meditate them away. 

I can't exercise them away.

I can't work them away. 

I can't shop them away. 

I can't play video games them away.

I can't marry them away.

I can't divorce them away. 

I can't ridicule other's problems them away......

        Bottom line, I handle what needs to be handled! I recognize what needs to be done & I do it! Yes, I "suffer" from time to time, but believe me when I tell you that my suffering is short lived. Especially when I pay attention to where the VALUE lies in my life. It's not on money or material things. It's not in my job, my acquisitions, my net worth, my inheritance, my looks, my talents....none of that truly matters. It's the INTANGIBLE.....METAPHYSICAL....SPIRITUAL things that resonate, & above all THE PEOPLE in my life & the relationships I have with them.

         Now everyone I meet isn't going to agree with that & that's okay. They are not FOR me. Another lesson I've had to learn. When values don't align, PROBLEMS CAN occur. A key component to me sleeping at night is not worrying about making people see things from my perspective. What for? These r my crosses to bear! If you agree with my thinking, then I won't HAVE to "put you on" with what I know for me. Because either we fit....or we don't. Bottom line. Just know that if you become a "problem" for me, don't get mad when I don't try to pacify the circumstances by INEBRIATING my thought process or mistreating those I love or wrecking my brain to understand you or make YOU understand me. That's not in my character! However, please know this;

#ItAintNothinForMeToCutYourAssOff

JUST KEEP SWIMMING......

         I'm at a cross road in my life right now & I'm really struggling to stay positive. Sometimes looking ahead, with your CURRENT situation at the forefront of your mind, becomes difficult to master. You tend to just focus on RIGHT NOW.  If you're like me, you WORRY! You worry yourself into a stress panic or an ulcer or a hospital emergency room! You worry that RIGHT NOW is also what's ahead. You worry that your future is not what you had hoped. You worry about bills & your finances & your kids & your relationships...& your health....that your car won't stall or that your check won't be late...that your period shows up on time. You just WORRY all the damned time!!!

        Funny thing is that I'm a prayerful person. I believe in karma & "God's Will". I believe that worry is the spirit of fear & trust me when I tell you how often me and fear have it out!! I have faith; it's why my daughter's name is "Credence"! What I just can't seem to focus my beliefs on right now is the fact that tomorrow is always another chance at WHATEVER "it" is. I'm always speaking this truth myself, as a matter of fact. However, lately, tomorrow always seems to be so far away! I think I need to go to church & get a word in. I'm sure there's a message waiting JUST for me. (& no, this isn't an invitation for u to invite me to YOUR church)

.....Or maybe I need to make an appointment to lay on a couch somewhere! (& no I don't need u to recommend anyone).

#RantOver 

#ImGonnaWatchFindingNemo 

#Uninspired

SOMETHING TO PONDER

       In narcissistically abusive relationships, I notice a lot of us want to go back. We want to call them or text them...but why though? For what? Love? Fear?

Lately, especially after going through this thing and being in support groups, I've begun to think love is an illusion just like fear. It's what we tell ourselves about forgiving the people in our lives who hold some significance when they choose to mistreat us. "I love them"; but is love enough? Sure, we love our kids...or do we? It seems that we provide them with their needs & wants out of obligation more than anything. Then our extended families; relatives we would never choose as friends. Back biting, no support from key people, the stress that it creates ESPECIALLY if u come from a big family! We "love" them too. However, after receiving the hurt of my adult life, I think it's easier to walk away.....

......or it could just be that I'm in self-preservation mode & weeding out scenarios.

        I think that "emotion" is what keeps us there with the Narcissist. It's what makes us crave the dysfunction & hope they will want us back when things go left. Clinging to it & hoping that what we see isn't what we THINK we see. Hoping that the "love" is still there and that it's enough to "fix" the relationship.
It's not!

        These perceptions they create of us are not what we are so why do we STILL want that in our lives!? Why do We CRAVE it? Brainwaves? Addiction centers? Neglectful past? Whatever the reason, it's as if we forget all the BS they put us through & we forgive and forgive and we keep forgiving them and then we blame that weak excuse for forgiveness on "love"

LOVE!!!!
WHAT?!?

        We aren't overly arrogant! We let people sleep when we come in late! We don't have addictions & afflictions or excuses for why we mistreat those we "love"! We don't get off on seeing people hurt or on medication or broken down or dying from what we have done to them! We don't abuse others. We don't cheat or lie or steal from those we love. We don’t leave our loved ones to fend for themselves. We don't dictate their lives or their work or their money. So WHY ON EARTH would we say that LOVE is the driving force behind what we feel or why we choose to keep going back to it once we get away?

        Some people don't make it out of these relation-SHITS in one piece!! Some people lose everything; up to & including their lives behind these cretins! I know for me....every time I find myself thinking of reaching out to him, I remember that "one time" or the sleep deprivation on account of him waking me and my kids up when he came in at NO THIRTY IN THE MORNING or the times he destroyed my things or talked to me like I was shit on the bottom of his shoe or when child services investigated me twice because of his hysteria or the 2 times when he choked & punched me or when he just didn't come home at all or when he forced himself on me to the point that I'd even call it rape! I don’t care how much "good" he did on his best days or how much "love" I feel for him, because the dirt and venom he spew on his worst days stick out in my mind more than anything!

       U told me u loved me and then u literally SPIT in my face!! U cheated on me my ENTIRE PREGNANCY with one woman and another after I had my baby, so I'm sure there were others! U stole money from me and shoes from my son! U put your hands on me!!! U knew I wanted my family whole and u took that from me! U never invested in me the way I invested in u. It's CRYSTAL clear because I was broken down and ready to KILL myself to escape the pain. Even added an "accident" rider to my insurance policy because of what I was dealing with emotionally. While u called me crazy & just skated on to the next with your sob stories & lies.Why why why why would I want that back? Because of LOVE!!??

      Heartbreak is the worst "feeling" in the world. Wouldn't wish this kind on anybody! However, I’d rather be heartbroken than just....broken! I’d rather be alone & happy than to come home every day wondering what tyrant we r in for. I’d rather not be cheated on and abused & if I’m going to struggle financially, I’d rather do it without the stress the narc brings. I’d rather give MYSELF this illusion of "love" & protect my children's & my own heart, because I KNOW I will be good to me and so will my babies. The least I can do is not raise my kids up in that type of chaos, because they seem to understand the love lie better than me.

EVEN WHEN WE HAVE A CHOICE...

We ignore the stains left while we quickly move on to the next. Avoiding similarities that remind us of their presence. Never realizing that we r simply choosing the same. Over & over. Not calculating the differences or anticipating our own reaction to it. Jaded by previous misunderstandings & engulfed in our own way of life.Too proud to admit our faults.Too delicate to submerge ourselves, completely. Loneliness looms. It seems like a fitting specimen. Especially when ur alone....even though you're attached to someone....~Such is life

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Who teaches us what it means to be respectED or respectFUL? Is it some innate ability that we're born with? Does it fall upon us like rain drops? Perhaps it comes with the disciplinary tactics of our guardian angels樂.....One thing I DO know about respect is that some people simply don't have any. None for you, none for your personal life, none for your past, none for your present, none for your business or job duties, none for your feelings....They are simply VOID of that simple requirement that most of us have; or at least ATTEMPT to have for ourselves, if nothing else.

I remember being a child & being told that "children should be seen and not heard" or "speak when spoken to". These phrases were said a LOT; like a LOT lot! Grandma said it, auntie said it, uncle said it, MAMA said it ALLLLLLL the time!! The one thing that baffled me the most about that statement was that no one could ever explain "WHY?". It was always the famous "because I said so" answer. Me being the inquisitor that I am, I challenged this "rule" on a regular! How come a child can't say anything unless asked? What does a child not understand about life that they are deemed incapable of having the privilege of being able to express themselves amongst adults? Is there a RULE that states these things, and if so, where?! Show me cuz I need to see it in writing!!

BECAUSE OF HER.....

       

           She is not old enough or big enough to protect herself from harm. That job is mine for now, & as her mother, I am responsible for the decisions made that may or may not effect her young life.  I am the SOLE provider of a “safe haven” that will ultimately shape the woman she becomes. It is BECAUSE of her existence that I NOW understand this simple math!

       She doesn't quite understand the magnitude of pain I carry for myself or for my little family. However, I know she feels it probably just as deeply as I do. That's the thing about domestic violence & abuse. It creates a ripple where EVERYONE close to it experiences some form of pain.  Even the babies. She can't explain it to me, even though she is simply carefree, & seemingly, unaffected by the world around her.

        

          I know it won't always be this way. the pain will eventually subside, but I try and preserve as much of her innocence as I can. Although all of my children give me peace, SHE is the strength I found to stop craving a man that I knew was no good for me. SHE is the reason I did what I felt was right in leaving her father. SHE is what made me say enough is enough!  Knowing that I NEVER wanted for her to go through the things I was experiencing is what kept me. Her peace, ultimately, became my destination.

             I tried to make excuses and forgive him for the disrespect & the abuse, but my tank ran empty when I made up my mind that I deserve better & so do my babies❤! In those moments, I realized that after removing him from my life, she went from pulling out her hair and scratching her delicate skin incessantly, to simply enjoying her brothers & being a little girl She even stopped having constant eczema flares! 

     

          In these months that followed, I watched her blossom; & smile; & grow; & learn❤. I now understand that what she DOES recognize is my sadness. She DOES understand pain, even if she can't yet verbalize it.  She DOES know when things don't  feel right. I get to see her happiness & joy & most of all, she will get to see me happy again. Without convoluted thoughts & chaos surrounding our lives......❤

      

       I love these hugs; crave them even! These moments when she reminds me of how important I am to my children. The part that shows me how life would've been without them or them without me. They love me. Truly! Even when I'm not feeling or acting my absolute best; when it seems like I'm falling apart; they help me hold things together & they forgive me for not being perfect. Unequivocally, unconditionally & irrevocably.....LOVE ❤