In narcissistically abusive relationships, I notice a lot of
us want to go back. We want to call them or text them...but why though? For
what? Love? Fear?
Lately, especially after going through
this thing and being in support groups, I've begun to think love is an illusion
just like fear. It's what we tell ourselves about forgiving the people in our
lives who hold some significance when they choose to mistreat us. "I love
them"; but is love enough? Sure, we love our kids...or do we? It seems
that we provide them with their needs & wants out of obligation more than
anything. Then our extended families; relatives we would never choose as
friends. Back biting, no support from key people, the stress that it creates
ESPECIALLY if u come from a big family! We "love" them too. However,
after receiving the hurt of my adult life, I think it's easier to
walk away.....
......or it could just be that I'm in self-preservation
mode & weeding out scenarios.
I think that "emotion" is what
keeps us there with the Narcissist. It's what makes us crave the dysfunction
& hope they will want us back when things go left. Clinging to it &
hoping that what we see isn't what we THINK we see. Hoping that the
"love" is still there and that it's enough to "fix" the
relationship.
It's not!
These perceptions they create of us are
not what we are so why do we STILL want that in our lives!? Why do We CRAVE it?
Brainwaves? Addiction centers? Neglectful past? Whatever the reason, it's as if
we forget all the BS they put us through & we forgive and forgive and we
keep forgiving them and then we blame that weak excuse for forgiveness on
"love"
LOVE!!!!
WHAT?!?
We aren't overly arrogant! We let people
sleep when we come in late! We don't have addictions & afflictions or
excuses for why we mistreat those we "love"! We don't get off on
seeing people hurt or on medication or broken down or dying from what we have
done to them! We don't abuse others. We don't cheat or lie or steal from those
we love. We don’t leave our loved ones to fend for themselves. We don't dictate
their lives or their work or their money. So WHY ON EARTH would we say that
LOVE is the driving force behind what we feel or why we choose to keep going
back to it once we get away?
Some people don't make it out of these
relation-SHITS in one piece!! Some people lose everything; up to &
including their lives behind these cretins! I know for me....every time I find
myself thinking of reaching out to him, I remember that "one time" or
the sleep deprivation on account of him waking me and my kids up when he came
in at NO THIRTY IN THE MORNING or the times he destroyed my things or talked to
me like I was shit on the bottom of his shoe or when child services
investigated me twice because of his hysteria or the 2 times when he choked
& punched me or when he just didn't come home at all or when he forced himself on me to the point that I'd even call it rape! I don’t care how much
"good" he did on his best days or how much "love" I feel
for him, because the dirt and venom he spew on his worst days stick out in my
mind more than anything!
U told me u loved me and then u literally
SPIT in my face!! U cheated on me my ENTIRE PREGNANCY with one woman and
another after I had my baby, so I'm sure there were others! U stole money from
me and shoes from my son! U put your hands on me!!! U knew I wanted my family
whole and u took that from me! U never invested in me the way I invested in u.
It's CRYSTAL clear because I was broken down and ready to KILL myself to escape
the pain. Even added an "accident" rider to my insurance policy because of what I
was dealing with emotionally. While u called me crazy & just skated on to
the next with your sob stories & lies.Why why
why why would I want that back? Because of LOVE!!??
Heartbreak is the worst
"feeling" in the world. Wouldn't wish this kind on anybody! However, I’d
rather be heartbroken than just....broken! I’d rather be alone & happy than
to come home every day wondering what tyrant we r in for. I’d rather not be
cheated on and abused & if I’m going to struggle financially, I’d rather do
it without the stress the narc brings. I’d rather give MYSELF this illusion of
"love" & protect my children's & my own heart, because I KNOW
I will be good to me and so will my babies. The least I can do is not raise my kids
up in that type of chaos, because they seem to understand the love lie better than me.
We ignore the stains left while we quickly move on to the next. Avoiding similarities that remind us of their presence. Never realizing that we r simply choosing the same. Over & over. Not calculating the differences or anticipating our own reaction to it. Jaded by previous misunderstandings & engulfed in our own way of life.Too proud to admit our faults.Too delicate to submerge ourselves, completely. Loneliness looms. It seems like a fitting specimen. Especially when ur alone....even though you're attached to someone....~Such is life
